Jul
7

Orgasm and sexual response

Filed Under Incest 

Many people think of sex as a step-by-step progression
towards orgasm that can be accomplished by following a
set of directions that work in the same way for every person:
one set for men and one set for women. Many people feel there
are particular things that everyone will automatically
enjoy, things that will satisfy every person every time.
Sorry Charlie, but while we’re all human, or male and
female, that doesn’t mean we all function the same
way sexually; not even close.

Its not too hard to understand why people ask things like,
“What makes a girl orgasm?” or “What do
guys like?”. The 10 Things That Drive Guys Nuts
kinds of articles are the sort of things that let people
make millions selling magazines and books with the titillating
promise that they can make sex easy or have all the secrets.
However, those tips are often useless as a whole, and only
serve to cause more frustration, dissatisfaction and
confusion they dont really solve your problems or answer
your questions well, and youre also out the money you spent,
ya big sucker.

The truth is that its much more complicated than people
want it to be, and we think thats really pretty wonderful.

Think about it this way: if eating were simply about getting
the nutrients we needed into our bodies, we could all eat
the exact same meal, three times a day every day. We wouldnt
care that it all tasted the same, and wed never crave any
one particular food or another. We would all like to eat
the exact same kinds of things, and wed all be perfectly
happy with that all the time. If our bodies all operated
identically, we would all need exactly the same diet and
nutrients, get hungry at the same times, and like and dislike
the same foods.

Not the way it works, is it? In fact, if someone told you it
was supposed to be that way, youd think the idea was pretty
ridiculous. Sex is pretty much the same way. We are all different.

There are certain physical, hormonal and psychological
mechanics that come into play for the majority of people,
and understanding those is what we all need to lay the foundation
for understanding how sex works for ourselves and for our
partners. Once we understand how our bodies work when it
comes to sexual response, we’ve won half the battle
of learning how to enjoy that and incorporate it as a healthy
part of our lives, both alone and with others. No, none of
us can “make” another person enjoy sexual activity
or orgasm. We also cant insist that someone give us an
orgasm or give us good sex. Our sexual appetites, impulses,
and responses aren’t out of our understanding or control.
Sex is something we have to learn on our own by understanding
ourselves and our bodies. Only then can we communicate
with a partner about what we like and what we need, and really
get a grasp on the whole of our sexual life.

The Science of Sexual Response
Any sexual activity involves some or all of five different
stages: sexual desire, arousal, the plateau phase, orgasm
and resolution. None of these stages are superior to others,
and all should be pleasurable. For each of them, the stage
proceeding is vital to moving on to the next one. We can’t
skip around through them, they follow on a continuum, just
like we have to learn to stand up before we can walk.

Desire is simply the wish or want to participate in any sexual
activity. Desire for sexual activity is exactly like being
hungry in order to eat: if you aren’t hungry, eating
doesnt feel as good. Its a matter of having an appetite.
If you don’t have a feeling of sexual desire, sex isn’t
going to feel good. We achieve desire any number of ways,
but it is generally not physical, but instead verbal, visual
or intellectual.

We must experience desire to feel sexually aroused. People
sometimes describe sexual desire as being “hungry”
or “horny.” We may feel sexual desire towards
a particular person, or we may feel it simply in and of itself,
a kind of free-floating feeling of wanting to be sexual.

Arousal is a state of sexual excitement that sends messages
to your brain that create physical changes and sensations
in your body, readying us for sex. When were aroused, our
blood pressure rises, our heartbeat and breathing quicken,
and our body becomes more sensitive and receptive to touch.
We can be aroused by physical stimulus as well as by intellectual,
emotional or hormonal stimulus. We can be aroused by all
of these things, or only some of them, or even just one of
them at any given time, with or without physical stimulation..
For instance, we might become aroused by being kissed or
touched, but we may also become aroused simply by our own
thoughts and imagination.

It’s important to note that we don’t all experience
the same things as seeming sexual. Were also not all aroused
by the same things. What seems sexy or arousing to any one
of us differs from person to person based on our individual
personalities, our life experience, our particular body
sensitivities, and what we were raised to interpret as
sexually or sensually exciting.

But when we are aroused, we all have some fairly similar
bodily responses. One of the primary physical responses
to arousal is called vasocongestion, which means the increased
flow of of blood to the genital tissues (and/or breasts
and nipples), and the condition of those tissues becoming
swollen with blood. This is how a man’s penis becomes
erect. In women the clitoris and inner labia become puffy,
stiffer, and somewhat enlarged, and at the same time, the
vagina produces a slippery lubrication. As arousal continues
in women, the uppermost third of the vaginal canal also
expands a bit, which can result in an empty feeling inside
the vagina.

If we continue to be sexually excited, our arousal may then
progress to a plateau phase, where sexual stimulation
continues and we are kind of hanging out, being aroused
and excited in our bodies and minds. Many people experience
this phase as a feeling of being “on the edge.”
Our bodies may feel incredibly sensitive, we may get flushed,
or feel our heartbeat more strongly.

Orgasm is a peak of sexual excitement which begins during
and follows the plateau phase. Male orgasm involves involuntary
contractions of the prostate gland, vas deferens and seminal
vesicles which usually (but not always!) cause the ejaculation
of semen. Women experience a series of involuntary muscle
contractions around the vagina that may or may not produce
an ejaculate or vaginal secretion. In both men and women,
throughout the whole body there is an increase in muscle
tension and relaxation, especially around the pelvis.

It’s tough to describe what an orgasm feels like. Not
only does it differ from person to person, one person can
experience any number of different sorts of orgasms that
vary with every sexual experience. Orgasm can feel like
a tickle or a hiccup, but can also feel like a very heavy head
rush or wave of dizziness through the whole body. Overall,
having an orgasm is a bit like being a balloon: your body
fills up with pressure, then releases that pressure when
it gets to its fullest point, much like a balloon does when
it pops.

The last stage, called the resolution stage, is a relaxation
of the muscles as well as a psychological relaxation and
sense of wellness which occurs following orgasm. All the
blood that has been pooling in the genitals and other sensitive
body parts will drain out slowly, causing men to lose their
erections and womens genitals to return to their normal
state. The resolution stage can also happen without orgasm:
if we simply stop being sexually aroused, our bodies will
gradually return themselves to their normal, everyday,
non-aroused state. It is perfectly okay for this to happen,
and it cannot hurt you in any way.

The Miracle of Masturbation
Now that you understand those stages, try and apply them
to yourself. Can you recognize feeling all of those things?
Think about what sorts of things make you feel desire, and
what sorts of things arouse you, strictly in your mind,
from verbal, visual or psychological cues. What sorts
of touching do you like? What parts of your body feel sexually
good when you or someone else touch them? Knowing when you
feel desire and arousal is really important when it comes
to your sexuality. It can help you to be aware of when you
are interested in sex, help to make clear when you should
be having sex with a partner and when you should NOT be having
sex with a partner. It can also help make you feel more in
control of your own body and sexuality.

We do ourselves a disservice when we think our sexuality
starts the first time we engage in sexual activity with
a partner. Our sexuality really starts from the day we are
born, in many different ways. Our first sexual experiences
not only usually are, but really SHOULD be the ones we have
all by ourselves. The best way — as well as the safest both
physically and emotionally — to start exploring and understanding
your sexuality is with your own two hands. No one else can
do it for you. While most people say abstinence is the only
safe sex, around here we say that masturbation is the only
safe sex, since abstinence is NOT having sex. Masturbation
is sex you have with yourself, and it is sex.

Betty Dodson, Ph.D., the author of a best-selling book
on masturbation called Sex for One, says that, “I
used to say masturbation leads to sex, but now I know masturbation
IS sex. The next time someone asks ‘When was the first
time you had sex?’ the appropriate response would
be your first memory of masturbation, not the first time
you had [sex with a partner].”

Not only is masturbation a safe and perfectly healthy thing
to do, it is the very best way to figure out what you do and
do not like when it comes to sex, and its important if you
want to work on enjoying sexual pleasure and on achieving
orgasm. It also gives us a chance to figure out a lot of important
things about how we feel about sex, sexual pleasure, and
being sexual people.

Even people who already understand how the body works when
it comes to sex can have problems with enjoying sex and achieving
orgasm. More times than not, it isn’t about what they’re
doing wrong physically, but about how they feel inside
and how those feelings come into play during sex. If we feel
that sex is dirty, wrong, sinful or unhealthy, it is going
to be nearly impossible to enjoy ourselves and experience
pleasure when we’re wracked with guilt. Masturbating
is a wonderful, no-risk way to figure out how you feel most
comfortable and healthy being sexual and feeling sexual
pleasure.

By virtue of the way our minds and bodies are, we are sexual
beings. How we choose to BE sexual beings is completely
up to us. Start by making yourself comfortable. Find out
what puts you in a space where you can relax both your mind
and your body. It’s important that you are in a physical
place where you can BE comfortable. It’s very difficult
to feel relaxed and free to be sexual if we think someone
may walk in on us. You need privacy. Seek it out. Allow yourself
to have whatever sexual fantasies you like. Again, you
don’t have to worry about hurting anyone’s feelings:
it’s all in your head, and no one is having sex right
now but you. Sexual fantasy is a big part of arousal, and
because it’s just in our heads, and not in our actions,
all sexual fantasy is okay, as long as you’re okay with
it. Observe what happens when you have feelings of sexual
desire, and what happens as you get aroused.

Once you’re there, in body and mind, as they say with
the yellow pages, let your fingers do the walking. Because
you’re the only one involved, you can do whatever feels
good and you feel comfortable with: don’t pout any
pressure on yourself where there need be none. People often
ask what the “right” way is to masturbate, but
the truth is that the only “right” things to
do are the things that feel good to you. When it comes to genitals,
most men enjoy stimulating their penis and testicles with
their hands by rubbing or stroking them slowly and working
up to a quicker pace. Most women enjoy rubbing or stroking
the clitoris and other areas of the vulva with the hands
and fingers, with running water from a water source like
the shower or faucet, or with a vibrator. You can use saliva
on your fingers as a lubricant when you masturbate, or you
can use your own sexual fluids or a water-based personal
lubricant (like KY Jelly, Astroglide, or similar products).
Lubrication can help things feel better to you. Remember
that not everyone wants genital stimulation every time
or even at all. You can have plenty of sexual pleasure and
even orgasm without necessarily stimulating the genitals.
Again, do what feels good to you.

Masturbation may or may not bring us to orgasm, and we may
not even want it to. It depends on what we want. Sometimes,
it feels good just to get aroused and then stop, and there
is nothing bad for you about any kind of sex without orgasm.
If you want to experience sexual pleasure without orgasm,
but feel an uncomfortable pressure in your body afterwards,
that can be relieved by some simple exercise or rest, or
even with a couple of aspirin or ibuprofen. That pressure
feeling, which can sometimes feel achy or throbbing, is
the same phenomenon that happens when you have a headache:
there is lots of blood trying to get through tiny blood vessels,
and it can be uncomfortable unless you can help dilate (open
wider) those blood vessels so the blood can flow. Relaxation,
physical exercise, or plain old over-the-counter headache
remedies can help.

On the other hand, if you want to achieve orgasm, just keep
doing what feels good. You’ll find that certain ways
of touching yourself will trigger more excitement than
others. Follow those cues, and just keep doing what works
for you. The more you masturbate, the more you’ll get
to understand what arouses you and what triggers orgasm
for you.

Understand that we can’t always orgasm when we want
to. Our bodies are complex systems in which our genitals
don’t work independently. If we’re sick or stressed
out, tired, preoccupied, or feel guilty shameful or upset,
it’s hard to feel sexual pleasure, let alone orgasm.
Cut yourself a break when that happens. Go do something
else you enjoy. Honor what your body is trying to tell you
it needs. Just like it’s not a good idea to eat when you
aren’t hungry, it’s not a good idea to have any
sort of sex when you’re not interested or when your
body isn’t up to it. The beauty of sexuality is that
it is with you your whole life: you can’t miss out on
anything. You have your whole life to enjoy it.

On this note, we want to add that masturbation is an excellent
tool when it comes to finding control and balance with our
sexuality. Sometimes, when theyre feeling sexual or
sexually aroused, people will say that they just HAVE to
go “get laid” or “get some.” When
we feel like that — towards no one in particular, but simply
feel a high level of desire within ourselves — it’s
usually better to masturbate than to have sex with a partner.
Masturbation can help us in that way to be in charge of our
own sexuality, without pressuring others to get involved.
No one else needs for us to feel sexually satisfied when
we feel like we need to have sex, were the ones who need
something, not someone else. Also, no one is responsible
for our sexual pleasure but ourselves.

Masturbation also is a good tool to have on hand if you are
abstaining from sexual intercourse for any reason. It
is a good way to give yourself an outlet that cant hurt anyone,
a way to help keep your impulses in check so you don’t
find yourself doing something you don’t really want
to do or aren’t ready for.

Over all, masturbation is an excellent way to realize that
sex is not just penis-in-vagina intercourse, and sex is
not just what you do with a partner. Knowing that you can
control your sexual pleasure with masturbation is something
that can transform anyones experience of sex into something
that is always positive, pleasurable and never limited.
Ultimately, what sex is is loving and pleasuring ourselves,
and when we engage a partner, sharing that pleasure and
care with others.

Taking it On The Road: Sex With a Partner
So, if you understand how sexual response works in general
and for yourself, and have a good handle on what pleases
you and makes you feel good, you’ve got a great start
in bringing that to a partnership, if that is something
you are interested in doing. It should go without saying
that because sex is a multifaceted thing which is mainly
based in ourselves, no one HAS to have a partner to be sexually
satisfied, and some people don’t want a partner, either
for certain periods of time, or permanently. However,
we may want one, or may have a partnership in which sex evolves
as a natural part of expressing love and attraction for
our partner.

Silly as it may sound, the best analogy I can make to having
sex with a partner is that it is nearly identical to learning
to dance with a partner. When we dance alone, we feel the
rhythm on the music in our bodies, and move as feels natural.
But if we add a partner, sometimes the way we move doesn’t
always mesh with how THEY move, and we can both end up with
a lot of bruises and sore toes.

If we know how we “move” in our own sexuality,
it’s easier to work with someone else. The way that
we can make our different styles, movements, desires and
preferences work together is by communication and by simply
paying attention and being respectful of one another.
If we use masturbation when we feel nonspecific desire,
and are with a partner because we want to be with that particular
person and share our energy and care with them, we’ve
got a great head start.

A good way to handle the start of any sexual relationship
is to talk about it. Discuss your limits. Are there things
you like and don’t like? Are there things you are and
are not comfortable doing? Get all of that stuff out in the
open. It’s hard to respect someone’s boundaries
if you don’t know what they are. That doesn’t mean
you need to know them all walking in, however. Often, only
once we are with someone do we get a sense of what is okay and
what isn’t, but if we’ve already developed a relationship
where we can talk about sex freely, it’s pretty easy
to pull back the reins and say, “Whoa!” when
we need to without anyone getting upset. Sometimes talking
about sex with someone else can be a little awkward, but
it’s okay to be nervous or get the giggles.

Working out sex with a partner is surprisingly similar
to working it out with yourself: the only real difference
is that you need to talk out loud and you need to take someone
else’s feelings, desires and needs into consideration
and make them work with your own. Just like with masturbation,
you need to make sure you both feel — and really ARE — safe
and secure. If you’re avoiding pregnancy, you need
to be using a reliable birth control method that works for
you both. You also need to be practicing safer sex to keep
you both safe and healthy, you need to be consistently taking
care of your sexual health with regular clinic or OB/GYN
visits.

Being physically safe has a lot to do with feeling emotionally
safe. Just as important is that you both feel emotionally
safe together on others levels. Can you trust each other
to respect limits and boundaries? To think of the both of
you, not just yourselves? To listen and ask questions to
find out what feels good and what doesn’t? All of those
things are important, and you should establish them all
long before you get sexually involved.

Again, think of it just like learning to dance. Do what feels
good to you both, where you can both enjoy yourselves. Talk
about the steps that you like. If your partner doesn’t
know one of them, teach him or her how! You may find you learn
things with a partner you didn’t on your own, or that
some things feel different than they do when you do them
by yourself, and that’s the beauty of sex with a partner.
There’s no shame in having something be new or unknown.
We all have to learn, and learning can be enjoyable. In fact,
if you’ve got it all going, every single time you have
sex — no matter what you do or do not do — with yourself,
or with someone else, should be a new and wonderful experience.

Sexual Response Questions and Answers
What is multiple orgasm, and can only women experience
it?
Multiple orgasm is when someone has more than one orgasm,
and it isn’t unique to women, though it is more common
for women to have secondary orgasms closer to their first
one. So, if you have an orgasm, and you then either take a
little break and stimulate yourself again, or keep going
with your stimulation and have another, you have experienced
multiple orgasm.

How come I can’t orgasm when my boyfriend and I are having
intercourse? What is wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with you at all. At least half of ALL women
(and that is a very conservative estimate) do not usually
(or sometimes ever) experience a sexual climax from penis-in-vagina
intercourse alone. As was said before, intercourse is
not sex, but can be part of sex. In order to enjoy sex and experience
full arousal, plateau and climax, you need to stimulate
more than just your vaginal canal. Perhaps you and your
boyfriend aren’t giving you enough other stimulation
before or during intercourse. Perhaps you just aren’t
in the mood. Take stock of what you are and are not doing when
you don’t climax or enjoy intercourse, and compare
it to the things that DO please you, then incorporate them
into your sexual intercourse.

Why didn’t my boyfriend orgasm from oral sex?
No single sexual act can guarantee intercourse for everyone,
nor can something which brings us to orgasm on one day necessarily
bring us to orgasm the next. Talk to your boyfriend: ask
him how he’s feeling, what he enjoys, and what feels
good to him, and think beyond orgasm. Again, sex isn’t
about orgasm. Sometimes, when we try and practice sex with
orgasm as a goal — rather than pleasure — we make orgasm
harder to achieve rather than easier.

How can I make my partner orgasm?
You can’t. But your partner can help you to do the things
that bring him or her to orgasm by showing you or talking
about what things they enjoy, how they like to be touched,
and so forth. The best thing to do if you want to please your
partner is to focus on their pleasure, not an impending
orgasm. If everyone is feeling good, it’s much less
of a big deal whether they orgasm or not.

Do women ejaculate?
Yes and no. During arousal and orgasm, the vagina produces
more vaginal fluid and lubrication. This is the most common
kind of sexual fluid that womens vaginas produce. This
is not considered an actual ejaculation.

However, some women enjoy stimulation to the g-spot (a
spongy spot inside the vagina a couple inches, towards
the belly, not the back), and some women find that this can
sometimes result in an orgasm which expels a thin, watery,
whitish fluid from the urethra, the same place from which
males ejaculate. That IS considered to be an ejaculation.
Not all women have ejaculatory orgasms, even with g-spot
stimulation. Not all women who are capable of having this
kind of orgasm have it all the time. The amount of fluid that
is ejaculated can vary greatly from person to person, as
well, when these kinds of orgasms happen in women.

Is it bad for you to get sexually aroused and not orgasm?
Is it bad for people to abstain form sex or be celibate their
whole lives, or even for a little while?
No and no. Sometimes getting highly sexually aroused,
especially if you have been stimulating your genitals
can be uncomfortable, a little or a lot. This is because
the blood that rushes to the genitals when you are aroused
and sexually stimulated gets trapped as your blood vessels
constrict (get smaller), and then it is difficult and time-consuming
for the blood to drain back out, a process which orgasm accelerates.
Its extremely similar to the process that causes tension
headaches. If this happens and you find it uncomfortable,
you can either try and masturbate and have an orgasm, or,
as we mentioned before, take a walk, a nap, or a few ibuprofen
or aspirin tablets. In men, sometimes people call this
sexual congestion “blue balls, ” but it isn’t
harmful. For some men who find it highly uncomfortable,
using an ice pack in addition can be a great relief. But it
isn’t bad for you, and cant do any permanent damage.

The same goes for sex of any sort. Even if we don’t masturbate
(and most people do), we won’t get sick or unhealthy,
and our bodies don’t store up sperm or sexual fluids.
Our bodies constantly replace dead cells of all types,
including blood, sperm, vaginal fluids, and most other
kinds of cells we have to keep the level of functional cells
constant. You dont need to masturbate in order to get rid
of excess semen or sperm any more than you need to bleed
out excess blood, because there is no such thing.

What’s bad for you is to have sex when you don’t
want to, or to try and force your body to orgasm when it just
isn’t in the right state. Needless to say, it is also
exceptionally unhealthy to try and force or pressure a
partner into sexual activities by saying we’ll get
sick or feel bad if they don’t participate in them with
us. Our bodies don’t really know the difference between
a hand and a vagina, a finger or two and a penis — only our
minds do. If we’re feeling sexually pent up, we can
and should relieve that on our own through masturbation
when our partners don’t want to participate.

Is sex better when both partners orgasm at the same time?
Not necessarily, and in fact, most sex therapists advise
couples against aiming for simultaneous orgasm. Trying
to have sex like synchronized swimming isn’t such
a great idea because it makes it harder for both people to
focus on simply enjoying themselves, therefore making
any orgasm at all more difficult, let alone doing it at the
same time. When it happens on it’s own, it’s pretty
neat, and is a very nice moment, but it’s more likely
to happen naturally than to be forced. More times than not,
when people try and force it, one or both partners ends up
faking an orgasm, which sets a bad sexual pattern, and isn’t
any fun for anyone.

What if I just CAN’T orgasm?
Then you just can’t right now, and that’s no big
deal. Again, sex isn’t about orgasm, it’s about
pleasure, and it’s hard to experience pleasure when
you’re trying to get past the finish line with little
care for running the race. You know how people say “It
isn’t if you win or lose, it’s how you play the game?”
Same holds true for sex: it’s a process, not a product.

First, make sure that you’re getting involved in sexual
activities when your mind and body really want to. You can’t
skip all of the stages of sexual response to get to the end.
If you aren’t desiring sex, or aren’t getting
aroused — for whatever reason — you cannot orgasm. Maybe
you aren’t in the mood. Maybe you’re tired, or
maybe you’ve overstimulated your body. If you’re
having trouble with a partner, maybe you’re not communicating
what you need, or maybe there is some stress in the relationship
that has you preoccupied.

Remember that sex isn’t about getting points or prestige,
or about being “mature” or impressing anyone.
You can’t do it “wrong” if you’re respecting
yourself and others, practicing it safely and sanely,
and you and your partner (if you have one) are enjoying one
another. No one is a “sex master, ” and thank
goodness, or else sex wouldn’t be very exciting or
enriching. Sex is a normal and natural part of life, and
like the rest of our lives, is something that is always growing
and changing alongside us as we grow and change. We get to
know our sexual selves the same way we get to know all of the
other aspects of ourselves, and that isn’t something
we can or should rush — it’s what we’ve got our
whole life to do.

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